"EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP!"

The ski mask- it is at once both an extremely practical and comfortable bit of winter wear and a symbol of terror.

In the bitter depths of this past winter, my friend Greg told me a story... I hope this isn't totally butchering it, as my memory is faint:

One night, having no car, he had walked to a gas station. As the temperature that evening was somewhere south of zero, he had bundled up to the fullest- which included putting on a black ski mask. I would imagine that third-shift gas station employees (a lonely type, to be sure) are united- if at all- by a common fear of being shot in the night by a ski-mask wearing lunatic...

Well, Greg caused no major controversy, but he did attract uneasy stares from the few people within. On his way out, a man (who had left his truck running so as to eliminate the possibility of the temperature in his cab dropping below seventy while he scurried in and out, probably for beef jerky or corn nuts) leaned his head out of his truck window and shouted something about how you shouldn't wear a ski mask on account of how menacing it looks. "Easy for you to say, you fuck," may have been the response. And so my ski-mask wearing friend most likely walked his bitter way home in the cold, taking little consolation in the fact that he looked like part of an underground militia or terrorist cell (I'm thinking about those guys in Half-Life: Counter-Strike, for those of you who have no qualms playing shooter games made up of snazzy, hyphenated word-pairs).

Encounters like this make me want to utilize the ski mask to the fullest this winter. This afternoon I think I'll sport a jet-black ski mask as I go to the bank to cash a check: "ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY LISTEN UP!" I'll shout after I've kicked the door in. "THIS IS A TRANSACTION! I FORGOT MY FUCKING ACCOUNT NUMBER! IF I PROVIDE PHOTO ID, CAN YOU PLEASE LOOK IT UP?!"